I've had a letter from those nice people HM Revenue & Customs.
It was addressed to me, here, at this address where I live. (The significance of this will become apparent, please bear with me).
It said I owed them money as their records showed an overpayment of Child Tax Credit.
As I haven't had any Child Tax Credit for the last 5 years I phoned the number on the letter to ask how they had come to this startling conclusion.
ring ring
Them: Good morning, my name is Malcolm, may I take your name and date of birth please.
Me: Ziggi 3/2/1903
Them: Your address please
Me: Third Stable on the right
Them: Your National Insurance Number
Me: abcd123
Them: I'm sorry the information you have provided is incorrect.
Me: No it isn't. I'm pretty sure I know my name, age, where I live and my NI number - yep that's definitely correct.
Them: It does not comply with our records.
Me: Well I'm sorry about that but could I just talk to you about this letter you've sent.
Them: No we can't enter into any conversation with you without positive identification and you have failed our identity checks. You will have to present yourself in person at our offices to verify your identity.
Me: Well I can't do that, perhaps you could ask me some other identifying questions because I'm pretty sure I'm me and the information I gave you is correct. I know my name, age, NI number, the only thing I have changed is my address. However since you wrote to me at this address I figure you know it. However my previous address was Second Garage to the left - will that do?
Them: Unfortunately the information you have already supplied is incorrect therefore I cannot comment or continue with this call. It is for your own security, anyone could be ringing up saying they were you.
Me: Yes that happens all the time, Malcolm can I speak to your superior please?
Them: They'll tell you the same thing.
Me: I'd still like to talk to them please.
Them: Hold the line...
Superior Them: Hello Mrs Z, my underling has just informed me that you have failed our security checks and is quite correct in advising you that we can not help you without positive ID.
Me: It's the address isn't it? When I was in receipt of Tax Credits I lived at the address I gave your underling. You have that address don't you?
Superior Them: That is the case, however you did not give that address when you were initially asked and therefore you have failed the security check.
Me: But I have told you now, and so surely now I have passed?
Superior Them: You have to pass first time. You must ring back and give the correct information.
Me: You want me to hang up and ring you again and tell you everything that I have already told you?
Superior Them: That's correct.
Me: Could we perhaps assume I've done that and get on with my query?
Superior Them: No.
Me: Could you ask me the questions now then, save me ringing back?
Superior Them: No.
Me: Why not?
Superior Them: You might not be you.
Me: But you know I know all the answers so if I ring back and give the answers you know I know, I still might not be me.
Superior Them: You will have passed the security check and therefore we will be able to progress your query having positively identified you.
Me: I give up.
ring ring
Them: Good morning, my name is Malcolm may I take your name and date of birth please.
Me: Ziggi 3/2/1903
Them: Your address please
Me: I believe you have it as ...
Them: Your National Insurance Number
Me: abcd123
Them: How may we help you?
Me: Nice to talk to you again Malcolm, I've received this letter saying I owe £282.42 but I haven't had any Child Tax Credit since 2002.
Them: I'm sorry our records don't go back that far.
16 comments:
I'd return the letter saying 'not known at this address'.
take head and bang against the wall
oh man, what class. that's priceless.
be sure to ask me sometime about the manchester library mobile phone debacle. that's another doozy. same principles apply.
Dave's right.
Don't you think you were a little harsh with the civil servant? Are you in angst, Ziggi girl?
I'm just kidding.
This is a completely over the top, lovely story that gave you fits but which gave us laughs.
I wonder what Himself would have done if he was in your shoes during this exchange?
Miss u too.
Let your loveliness shine through that whole wedding thing. You'll have a great time, all of you.
It's all that matters.
It's like monty python!
And how is Ziggi feeling this morning?
unbelievable
they'll never catch up with you tho!
hope you're feeling a little better - how are the plans?
It's all bollocks isn't it?
I once had a lad who asked me my middle name. Now I never ever tell anyone my middle name.
I must have been feeling chilled out that day 'cos we ended up having a laugh about it.
You HAD to have made that up! That's better than any comedy skit ever! You've made my day. Thanks for the smile.
I feel your pain but at least you got to talk to real people (or reasonable facsimilies thereof). All I ever get is farking machines!
Tonga
I have written them a letter!
that should sort 'em.
greetings and welcome to lots of lovely people that I don't know - hello and thank you for visiting and hello of course to everylovelybody that I do know :)
ziggi, are you sure you didn't ring 'dial a two ronnies sketch' by accident? it's the only explanation
I apologise for being late in adding to this thread, I have been out of town. I like Malcolm. I want to meet him. He sounds like great fun.
I hope that this helps.
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