Self indulgent post … not funny, not pertinent and not worth going there / here. In fact in may be one of the many posts I write and then feel better so delete – who knows. I have been moved just recently reading posts about loved ones that are no longer living. Some people derive comfort thinking they’ll meet up again, others have regrets about things they did or didn’t do or say, and some people just want more time. This is a post about my mother who is still alive. We have never had what one might call a relationship and of course what you don’t know (as a kid) you don’t particularly miss until the dawning realisation that other people have mothers that seem to like them.
I don’t have a memory of her that’s ‘nice’. She shouted and smacked but not so much she broke bones or anything. She was always angry and I have no memory whatsoever of her holding me except down in order to wield her wooden spoon. Most of the time though, we kept out of each other’s way.
I have nothing I can think of that I want to say to her and I only think about her when my younger sister, who lives near her, refuses to visit without bringing her. On these occasions I tolerate her in order to see my sister.
To give her some due, she’s always tried to be kind and grandmotherly (whatever that is) to my children and they like her. I don’t tell them (much) about how she treated me.
I can’t imagine that I’ll miss her when she’s gone – to be honest the faintly irritating niggling feeling that by now I should have found some common ground and we should be friends, will cease once she has, and I can live with that.
But, and here’s the crux, am I suddenly going to find, 10 minutes after she’s croaked, that there are all these hundreds of things I should have asked her? Wanted to say to her that I can’t think of now while she’s alive? Will I be plagued with regrets because I let a whole lifetime pass without having a mother when one was technically available?
Answers would actually be welcome, I think, I’ll post this one, I can always delete it later after all!
I don’t have a memory of her that’s ‘nice’. She shouted and smacked but not so much she broke bones or anything. She was always angry and I have no memory whatsoever of her holding me except down in order to wield her wooden spoon. Most of the time though, we kept out of each other’s way.
I have nothing I can think of that I want to say to her and I only think about her when my younger sister, who lives near her, refuses to visit without bringing her. On these occasions I tolerate her in order to see my sister.
To give her some due, she’s always tried to be kind and grandmotherly (whatever that is) to my children and they like her. I don’t tell them (much) about how she treated me.
I can’t imagine that I’ll miss her when she’s gone – to be honest the faintly irritating niggling feeling that by now I should have found some common ground and we should be friends, will cease once she has, and I can live with that.
But, and here’s the crux, am I suddenly going to find, 10 minutes after she’s croaked, that there are all these hundreds of things I should have asked her? Wanted to say to her that I can’t think of now while she’s alive? Will I be plagued with regrets because I let a whole lifetime pass without having a mother when one was technically available?
Answers would actually be welcome, I think, I’ll post this one, I can always delete it later after all!
an aside - anyone know what this is? It's taking over my garden - it's a weed isn't it?
29 comments:
You should take a quick look at Ian's post at Or So I Thought (check my sidebar) about his mother, which he made on Mother's Day (May 13th this year here) and you will see that you have nothing to worry about. You'll find it a bit of a comfort. I did, and so did Alda Kalda who writes another amazing blog.
Do check it out.
i had a similar situation. i found out secondhand that she'd died, a couple days later i cried for a few minutes, and then...nothing. you could try and ask her point blank if she'd consider working this out in therapy with you, in a facilitated environment. maybe she'll say yes and maybe the best possible outcome will happen, and then yay!
mine flatly refused and maintained that everything was a lie and nothing happened. and that was the end of that.
if you don't have anything, you have nothing to lose, i found. and it ain't bad at all. in fact, it's a relief that she's gone, that her misery is over and so it mine. it really is.
(((hugs))) my darling. this sucks, i know.
bear in mind what you just did for a strangers child! you're clearly the better woman.
Andrea - thank you, how about that - my mother is alcoholic - I'm now going to investigate whether she has Narcissistic PD as well! xx
FN - I was worried about posting this because I didn't want it to sound 'poor me' and I appreciate that very many, yourself included, had a much worse time than me. She would never consider any kind of 'therapy' she would never consider she's done anything wrong! I sometimes feel she has the emotional age of a self indulgent 6 year old where everything is everybody else's fault. Thank you so much for reading and commenting xx
I read earlier today, and didn't comment because I don't have anything worthwhile to say.
Still that's never stopped me before, so can I just say I sypathise. If I was better at my job I'd empathise, but I've had a bit too much of other people's pain at the moment, so I'm sorry, I'm self-indulgently just going to say sorry.
well done on the score-baord yesterday, by the way. I could see you wincing when you had to put the higher numbers up.
Dave - thanks - I don't think I'm in pain (except in the nether regions!) I just wonder if I should play the adult now and 'do' something - or whether it's ok not to!
ps don't any of you know what that damn plant is? p l e a s e!
ziggi I think the best lesson we can learn from our mothers/parents, well the most important one I learnt from mine - the gift, I suppose, of her having been my mother - is how to not make the same mistakes
I have made my own, and I'm sure my children will moan about those in their own time when they realise what they can do differently or better than I, but I tried really hard not to make hers over again with my children
and yet as I get older it all becomes clearer and I can see why she was with us - in the way that I am sometimes with my own still quite young children - I am still her daughter after all
I think FN is spot on
word ver queezy !!
ps I never read anything you write as "poor me" and hope you don't read anything I write like that either - if you think it's verging on that please reach over and SLAP ME!!!! or cast a spell on me and turn me into a pile of dust that someone handy can hoover up
:-)
oh and that plant
does it have little white thin tuber style roots that go underground around the whole garden and if you pull the stalks up and a little bit of root is still left a new plant springs up?
if it does I know what it is, but the name temporarily escapes me, but we had it our garden when we lived in Shropshire and it's a real bugger to get rid of
I doubt if you'd get anywhere with a direct approach and it could finish off such a relationship as you do have with her.
If you did want to talk to her, you might start with a compliment about how good she is with your children and how much they like her. Depending on her response, that might open the door to a talk about your childhood relationship with her.
I don't think you should feel you have to do anything about it though, unless you want to. Not all questions have a coherent answer and we all live with unfinished business.
Have you talked to your sister about it?
Please excuse me charging in with advice on my first visit - I really only dropped in to commiserate that Murph praised me when you'd done all the work on his quiz.
Don't know the plant, sorry.
I guess Nations is right, you can't miss something that you never had.
The real story is that you turned into this beautiful butterfly regardless of any predestination laced genetics or environmental factors. Is it sheer willpower?
I never had the impression that this was a woe is me post.
I have always overanalysed my childhood memories
(very subjective lot) and churned this information into a frothy concoction that I can now neatly pour into any shaped glass..
all that I learned from my angst was that I didn't want to repeat the unpleasant things that my Mother did and wanted to embellish the good things that she did...or that I imagined that she did.
I'm still thinking about that plant - can you tell me a bit more? What are the flowers like, what colour are the mature stems, do the leaves grow in pairs or alternatively and what do the roots look like?
Dunno what your plant is...
You have the choice to try to sort things with her or just to leave it. Do whatever feels right for you, the course that will cause least pain ..
Weeds in Gardens, Mothers, Bloody Horses.... pain in the arse the lot of them!
(Is it dog weed?)
That looks a bit like ground elder to me, it grows into a large obtrusive shrub. I do like the reddish colour in the young leaves, but then, I do like weeds as a whole. You'll gather I'm a bit of an accidental gardener.
Ziggi, you know I am coming from a different angle as I have had the fortune and blessing of not only having a wonderful Mother but also a lovely and loving Mother-in-law. I loved both of them and with that in mind, I have also known mothers of my friends and mothers of my patients who have been unmotherly, selfish, cruel and some were downright criminals. I can only say that a child is not to feel remorse for not feeling towards her mother (or father) the usual adoration or love that we expect from normal situations. It is best to leave a toxic relationship if only to put an end to it. I wish you the best.
First of all, very, very good witch, thanks for posting this. It's a difficult thing, presumably not solved by the wave of a wand.
I would say that, really, you don't OWE her anything. If she treated you badly, then that's on her. But does she KNOW she did?
Maybe it's beyond her comprehension. Or maybe she doesn't want to acknowledge it.
If you feel so inclined, you COULD reach out to her, and see how she really feels, confronted in a gentle way with how you feel or felt.
You could gauge by her response what to do next. If you feel you're right and she won't budge and it's the same old, same old, then I'd say you can walk away knowing you tried.
Some people need others to reach out and touch. She may be incapable of that or guilt-ridden.
I think in a way my answer is a lot like FN's. We know and you know you are a beautiful, sensitive woman.
If you try...if you send out the first olive branch, and she brushes it aside...then you've done everything and more than you needed to.
If she accepts that gesture and embraces you and asks for your understanding or your forgiveness, then you'll both be so much farther ahead.
Hugs and all the best with it, Zig.
Oh, and I have no idea what that plant is (I would have guessed poison ivy, but then I say that about every plant).
And I did not read all the comments before posting my own.
If your mom is an alcoholic, she's not likely to want to acknowledge anything that might suggest she is (my dad's one).
I suspect this reckoning between you and her might have to wait until she's ready to go to the great beyond, when she can lay down her shield and remove her armor and just be.
Again, though, hugs.
I backed away from this until I read what other friends (beacause we are all your friends here)had to say.
And, Ziggi, there is wisdom from everyone. Mostly, i think, you must follow your heart.If you really want to connect with your non-connective mother you will find some way to try.If you cannot see a way to do this without hurt it probably means there is no way.
But the most important thing is that you are a good and loving mother and step-mother and a caring school person (I remember the social worker and the cycling after dark incident!)
That plant...not sure from the photo, but I think you may have ground alder (not elder)which is a pain in the fundament of most gardeners. Yes, it spreads from root disturbance so the only way to be rid of it is by systemic poisoning.
Or wave your magic wand.Hey! Maybe you could magic your momma?
ground elder
that's what I was thinking about and trying to remember the name of
(for me, just like my mother's influence actually - you think you've cleared it and then it just comes back, time after time after time. . .)
*basking in the joy of blogging with supportive mates* (virtually speaking!)
Lots of good advice here but you may be like me and feel its easier just to pretend nothing happened. I tried confronting my narcisisstic personality disorder mother and she just pretends she hasn't heard so I gave up.
I don't think it is ground elder, because the early growth of that is not red. And you don't get that many leaves on a stem, and the leaves are lobed.
you are all so lovely, thank you so much for taking the time to comment - I really do appreciate it, and whilst I am not the paragon of virtue you credit me with, I hope I can acknowledge my (many) mistakes to my kids and apologise to them for the rough ride they've had to endure here and there along the way while I learn the mothering job! I hope that, at the very least, they don't doubt that I love them.
thanxxxxxx again one and all!
(ps - the bruise is BIGGER!)
I've only lost one parent, my dearly beloved father who I miss every day. And in spite of everything, there are still a whole bunch of stuff I never got round to asking him. I think that will happen whatever.
And you are not passing on to your children the burden your mother laid on you. There's a thought to keep you warm at night - I'm proud to know you.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I'd like to see another photo of the bruise. . . I bet it's an interesting colour too!
((((((((((zig)))))))))))
3 days later, I say "What everyone else said" and {{{{{ ziggi }}}}}. I also think that if you are questioning whether or not you should be trying to improve the (non-)relationship with her, maybe you should do it just for the sake of your own peace of mind. But if she's not interested then you just have to let it go. You are still a wonderful witch anyway.
don't worry much about that. Lots of people I know including myself have serious issues with their mothers.
After my mother died I was a mess for a while but now I'm glad I don't have to deal with the drama anymore.
hi ziggy, i just read this. this guy hugh prather says the way to forgive is to forget.
my guess is whatever you do or don't do, you will be at peace, because you've taken the time to be real about it.
:)
Don't do anything hasty. The fact you've posted this indicates that it may (or may not) be the first step in trying to find out more about why she behaves the way she does. Keep thinking. Then decide what you're going to do. Don't be rushed by thoughts of mortality. Ultimately it's her loss. You clearly have done a lot better and I suspect on one level she realises this - hence attempts to be a better granny than a mother. Don't break every channel of communication but don't bust a gut trying to mend the rift until you've measured it first and seen just how much work it will take.
It is an ash tree in the making - the blighters pop up all over the place - in 2 years time you will have quite a sapling if you dont dig it out.
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