Poisonous parents

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

  They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

  And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

  By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

  And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

  It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

  And don't have any kids yourself.

-Mr Larkin

My mother was/is a violent, alcoholic, narcissistic nightmare and I spent my childhood in fear of her and my adulthood trying not to be her, not altogether successfully.

My father, however, was fun and not often there. I spent my childhood adoring him and my adulthood coming to terms with the fact that I was not in the least bit important to him. He has had a string of wives and significant others but his true love is money.

The only thing I learned from my parents and not by example, is to apologise and mean it. Something neither of them would consider doing to their children, or indeed each other.

Well, I thought I’d learned how to live with all this crap and not let it touch me; thought I knew all there was to know about poisonous parents and how IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM.

But hey, my Lothario father, who up until yesterday was living with a very nice lady, a lovely lady who made his family welcome; went out for a paper while she was in the shower and changed women. In fact he's changed back to the previous incumbent who is still living in his last (much, much larger and has just been featured on TV) house.

This one’s a first class bitch. She had the 1997 – 2005 years and in that time we seldom saw our father, were never invited round and on one memorable occasion when I asked her why we were such an anathema to her, she told me that she wasn’t in the business of sharing.

So he’s gone back there, and once again his family are no longer welcome. I thought I knew this song but I find I’m not as unaffected as I thought

– bastard.

go away this post is not for you!

Self indulgent post … not funny, not pertinent and not worth going there / here. In fact in may be one of the many posts I write and then feel better so delete – who knows. I have been moved just recently reading posts about loved ones that are no longer living. Some people derive comfort thinking they’ll meet up again, others have regrets about things they did or didn’t do or say, and some people just want more time. This is a post about my mother who is still alive. We have never had what one might call a relationship and of course what you don’t know (as a kid) you don’t particularly miss until the dawning realisation that other people have mothers that seem to like them.

I don’t have a memory of her that’s ‘nice’. She shouted and smacked but not so much she broke bones or anything. She was always angry and I have no memory whatsoever of her holding me except down in order to wield her wooden spoon. Most of the time though, we kept out of each other’s way.

I have nothing I can think of that I want to say to her and I only think about her when my younger sister, who lives near her, refuses to visit without bringing her. On these occasions I tolerate her in order to see my sister.

To give her some due, she’s always tried to be kind and grandmotherly (whatever that is) to my children and they like her. I don’t tell them (much) about how she treated me.

I can’t imagine that I’ll miss her when she’s gone – to be honest the faintly irritating niggling feeling that by now I should have found some common ground and we should be friends, will cease once she has, and I can live with that.

But, and here’s the crux, am I suddenly going to find, 10 minutes after she’s croaked, that there are all these hundreds of things I should have asked her? Wanted to say to her that I can’t think of now while she’s alive? Will I be plagued with regrets because I let a whole lifetime pass without having a mother when one was technically available?

Answers would actually be welcome, I think, I’ll post this one, I can always delete it later after all!

an aside - anyone know what this is? It's taking over my garden - it's a weed isn't it?