Today I had an exciting medical procedure. I had my brain, for indeed I do have one, scanned and monitored and generally investigated.
I tried desperately not to think about sex, but once I'd thought it I couldn't stop so I expect that bit of brain was active, unfortuanately much of the rest of it isn't, hence the tests.
When I had my back operation a year or so ago things became a bit exciting in there (so they tell me, I was asleep) and as a consequence it appears that I suffered hypoxia for longer than is good for a person.
This has manifested itself in a number of ways, surfice to say things are trickier now and not so amusing. It's a damn nuisance to a person that liked to laugh, and also, on special occassions, to think.
SO tell us a joke please!
10 comments:
I say! I say!I say! My dog has no nose!
How does he smell?
Terrible!
See, I'm easing you in with the simple stuff.Once you've got the hang of it(sex again!) I'll tell some real crackers. Dear God! You'll end up like MJ with your blog being blacklisted by Google grannies!
There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
Sx
**HUGS**
The mummy sardine and all her little baby sardines were swimming in the ocean and a huge submarine floated towards them.
Mummy mummy what's that great big metal thing? asked the little baby sardines in fright.
Don't worry, she replied it's just a people tin.
Sorry, it's the only one I can think of.
(((Zig)))
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. It was priced at £25, which seemed awfully cheap.
"Why so little?" she asked the owner.
He said, "This bird used to live in a brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
Sorry Ziggo.
Auntie Jessie, a regular worshipper at her Yorkshire chapel, died and was buried.
In due course the question of a headstone arose. The family asked the monumental mason to engrave her name, date of birth, date of death, etcetera. The monumental mason asked them if they would like a text as well. They thought for a while, and then said 'SHE WAS THINE, LORD' would be a suitable epitaph in every way.
Some days later the monumental mason rang to say the headstone was finished, and would the family like to check it before installation? The family were surprised to discover that the inscription read 'SHE WAS THIN, LORD'.
'You've missed out the E,' they said.
The monumental mason apologized, said he would put it right forthwith, and would proceed to set the headstone up. The family agreed.
When a little later the family went to pay their respects at the grave, they found the inscription now read : 'EE, SHE WAS THIN, LORD'.
Sorry if you've heard it before.
:) tee hee thank you one and all xx
There was a ballet dancer who couldn't get a job so decided a holiday in France would cheer him up. While he was sunning himself on the beach, he got a call from his agent saying he'd got an audition for the lead in Swan Lake, and he had to get back straight away. But he couldn't change his ticket, so he got into a rowing boat and started rowing over the Channel. Halfway over, he was exhausted and bent over the oars in despair. Then he was roused by a cooing sound, and found a big flock of pigeons on the boat. They picked up the mooring rope and started to pull the boat along, and he whizzed across the Channel in no time and was able to get to the theatre in time for his audition.
He danced his tights off, so was very disappointed when he didn't get the job. "What went wrong, did they say?" he asked his agent. "They said there's no room for a pigeon-towed dancer in Swan Lake."
That's the only joke I remember. I don't get to tell it often, which won't surprise you.
He didn't literally dance his tights off, that isn't part of the joke. It may be evident that I don't often tell jokes.
dancing his tights off would be quite amusing though, and if he was anything like the dancer that played the grown-up Billy Elliot, quite eh... mmmmm oh yes :)
Brace yourself...
Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who, while having a root canal at the dentist, refused novocaine? NO? He wanted to transend dental medication!
So a Buddhist monk goes up to a hot dog vendor in Central Park and says "Make me one with everything." (Ba-doom boom.)
The hot dog vendor hands him the weiner. The monk, having paid $5 for a $3 hot dog asks, "Where's my change?" The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees, of course.
But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
See, it works.
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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forrest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks!
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Q: What's a Milihelen?
A: A face that launched 1 ship!
That's all i got.
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