friday night live

It was late and dark and I was in a bit of a complete hurry as I was already late to pick up Himself from some work do, so I dived into a parking space in Tesco’s car park without due care and attention to the little lines that show wherein your wheels must be positioned. However, it being midnightish, mine was the only car in the row by at least 20 either side. I shot in and purchased the emergency gin.

Arriving back at my car I find Mr Moron, shiny Micra driver, parked right next to me, arms folded, foot tapping, tutting in the glow of the overhead lights.

Moron: “You haven’t parked in the bay properly.”

Me: “That’s true but there’s no-one else here.”

Moron: “Why do you think they paint them if not for people to park WITHIN?”

Me: “Well I’m going now so it won’t worry anyone else.”

Moron: “You’ll find it difficult; because of your thoughtless parking you will find it very tricky to open the driver’s door. I have in fact tried to park as far over to the right as is possible and remain within the lines in order to leave you sufficient room, but the positioning of your wheels beyond, as you see, your designated space means that unless you are thinner than you look you will not manage to open your door sufficiently widely to ingress, and I shall be very cross indeed if you knock my car with your door.”

Me: “Is there any reason why you couldn’t have parked somewhere else like the other 300 spaces without inconveniencing me?”

Moron: “Now, now, it’s you that has inconvenienced me. However, to answer your question, I feel it’s more efficient to park along side a vehicle already parked to make parking easier for ladies so they don’t have to manoeuvre between 2 parked cars.”

I got into my car via the passenger door; I opened my window and smiled at him.

Me: “it’s the middle of the night you stupid, irritating fuckwit and if you don’t move extremely quickly, being a useless lady driver I WILL RUN YOU OVER”

And I drove straight at him – he moved extremely quickly, for a man.